Celebrating Life: Grief -- What’s it all about?

While grief is most often associated with a death, any ‘loss’ we experience may cause us to grieve. For example, we may grieve the loss of our health, the vitality we once had, the loss of a job through retirement or downsizing, and so on. Whatever the cause, if we do not go through the "grief journey" for a loss, we may have to revisit it when following another loss experience.

The Ultimate Intimacy

Dealing with death evokes feelings unlike any other human experience. Death has been referred to as "the ultimate intimacy". The fact is -- many people do not handle intimacy well. Why? Our emotions may get the better of us and we don’t want to lose control. When someone starts crying and showing emotion, we may become uncomfortable. Even people who are the most talkative can become dumbstruck in the presence of pain or death. Our defense is to put on a stoic front and avoid talking about anything that can create such an intimate setting.

A Grief Analogy

Grief has been likened to peeling an onion; it comes off one layer at a time, and you cry a lot. This is a great analogy, because it allows for individual differences in grief. When it comes to grief, our reaction depends on who we are. As unique individuals, with different life experiences, we all grieve in our own way.

Complicated Grief

In some cases, there is a tendency to get out-of-step with the grief process. "Complicated grief" is often a distortion or conversion of the perceived mourning process. For example, we may not feel how we believe we should feel. Likewise, we may not feel how others expect us to. As a result, the mourning process isn’t completed and the bereaved person experiences feelings, thoughts and emotions that are confusing, not only to him, but to loved ones as well. What causes "complicated grief"

Many things could cause us to get out of step with our grief. For example:

the death may have been sudden, unexpected, violent, or there may have been multiple losses
the cause of death may be unresolved
the bereaved person might feel somehow responsible
the relationship may have been complicated or difficult
there may be a real or perceived lack of social support following the death
the loss may have triggered a past, unresolved loss

Things that may complicate the "grief journey" include:

difficulty in expressing feelings of sadness, anger, etc.
seeking approval of what other people think we should or should not be doing and feeling
taking on an inappropriate responsibility, for example, not talking about the loss in front of the bereaved person, or making sure they aren’t alone in their grief when they need to be
not respecting others who are going through the same loss, for example, a family member might only see it as a personal loss and not respect others’ thoughts or feelings on the same loss If, for any reason, the grief has become complicated, we should seek help in understanding the dynamics of the experience. If we are feeling ‘stuck’ or incapable of living a pleasing existence after the loss, we she should find a supportive, trained professional to help with the healing process. We need to be reassured that it’s okay to seek help. In the end, a person’s desire to heal is most important.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to mourn, and a time to dance"

( Ecclesiastes 3: 1,4)

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